it's...

So, some bad news. If you're reading this you probably already know that my dad has been fighting leukemia(AML) for the past 10 months. my sister Sarah (the blonde on the right) called me this past wednesday afternoon to tell me my dad had been moved to ICU because of low blood pressure and high heart-rate. "I think it's time for you to come home." So I got a late flight out to orlando, and she picked me up at the airport at 1:30am. We got to the hospital around 2; he was sleeping and my mom, grandma, and sisters were all there. I was sitting in his room with my grandma and little sister Jessica, watching him sleep and the little blips on the heart/respiratory moniters. It's oddly comforting to watch someone sleep, even in the hospital. it's peaceful, and you know they're not in any pain. Then my dad's respiratory numbers just slowly started to fall off, dropped below 8 and started blinking. "Jess, I think you should go get the nurse."

Everyone was there who needed to be, and he just very peacefully and gently dropped off. I was holding his hand. It took about 30 minutes before a doctor could come to pronounce him. There was no pained outburst of cyring, or any epiphanies about life or death; just sadness and emptiness. waiting there for the doctor to come we talked about what needed to be done now, while all of us were kind of silently finding this new empty spot, and saying goodbye.

I wish more of you could have met him, and he more of you. These past couple of years that I've grown into a sortof adult I've been slowly enlightened to how proud I am of both my parents. Especially the last 10 months have just made it so clear, there's nothing they wouldn't have done for my sisters and me. No fight wasn't worth fighting. I think I realized what made me so proud of my dad: I can't ever remember a time where I didn't feel like he was proud of me, and I've screwed up my share just like everyone. As Rachel (sort of) said "I don't like eulogies at funerals, because everyone stands up and talks about the person as they think they should be remembered, and you should just remember them how they were." I'm not trying for some futile eulogy here, I'm just well, sad, and hoping you know someone who loves you like that.

Well, they're graduating, along with many of my friends, but I just have to give some props to the super-foursome of the NU physics class of 2005: Laura, Mia, Rachel and Verene.

Here's what they managed to pull off between them in the awards deptartment this year:

• NSF Fellowship
  
• Oxford Research Fellowship
  
• Best ISP Thesis
  
• Best Physics Thesis
  
• Third Place ($1,000) in DC
  and Sexiest Robot

And nevermind a slew of papers on their way to being published, et c. There's justifiable concern about whether women are under-represented in physics, but these four have just blown away everyone else in their class this year (ok, save that chap Ryan, he got to trail behind for a bit). And now they all get to go out to the West Coast and start enjoying those other 6 months out of the year... just rewards for them all.

I'd gush more about them, their awesomeness, and how they bought me a steak dinner at Pete Miller's last week, but darnit, this whole graduation thing just snuck up on me. Why are all you people leaving? Weren't we suppose to have one last crazy road trip or party or something? (Oh no, i didn't miss it, did i?)

Now who will get me to jog to a BK breakfeast in the morning? Who will cover for my ignorance/absense during public observing? Who will build robots and solder wires and buy me pizzas with SPS money? Who will I make physics jokes with and yet not get all self-conscious for being frighteningly nerdy? Who will give me their notes and remind me of hoemworks? Who will come sit on my couch when I need a distraction? Who can I count on to sit in the back of group meetings and fall asleep with me (so it's not just me and mel dozing)? Who will I get to visit in Europe and the West coast?... oh wait, that'll be you guys.

Next year just won't be up to snuff.

Steve Deline and Cameron Shaw. You are the best people ever, because you break into my apartment (without waking me up!) when I am getting my four hours of pre-qual sleep and leave me dinner (well, more like enough food for 3 dinners and four deserts!). You are superheroes, santa claus, and wolfgang puck all in 2.

Not that I believe in Heaven, but I have to think that were there to be a paradise for the soul, and it were me, it would probably have to involve me reliving the high points of my first four years of college backed by a wilco soundtrack...

yo man, why you people got to run up and down tech in the middle of the night while man's trying to study? that just ain't right... study and solitude are my kith and i don't need this squeaky sneaker, sweaty floors shit, you dig? lest i need make manifest some Ezekiel 25:17.
i hope all y'all live in hinman and have three fuckin finals monday, starting at the ass crack of dawn. and may god turn your night into day...

memorial day weekend was spent back home in sunny florida. it was great to get back home and everyone seemed to be doing well and in good spirits. didn't get near as much studying done as i planned to, but got most of what i needed to done, and that's fine.

my procrastinating reached new heights as I managed to submit homework to my professor's mailbox from 1000 miles away by having it scanned to cd at kinkos and then e-mailing the 5mb pdf to Verene who kindly printed it out and turned it in for me after she finished a final.

while i was back my dad's bone marrow biopsy results came back and confirmed that the leukemia is back again, and that the low doses of chemotherapy he did just before i arrived likely killed it off again. still, 70% blast cells in the bone marrow is never a good thing. it's been 10 months that he's been living with cancer. my dad was in good spirits though. i got the impression that he thinks he can get by on something like maintenance chemotherapy, regular low doses, as he's not really a candidate for a bone marrow transplant, and I don't know how viable that can be in the long-term (anyone out there know about such things?). it seems the short term is bringing tempered good news... the "spots" in the MRI of his liver and kidneys are gone, the fungal infection on his toe is clearing up. my grandma and mother seemed stressed, i think all the ups and downs are finally wearing on them a bit, so i'm hoping the summer brings everyone a bit of rest.

Quals are in how many days? gulp

Edgard Varèse, Arcana
Death From Above 1979, Blood On Our Hands
the Clash, Brand New Cadillac
the Russ Bruzeck Situation, Mr. Rocketpants
Russian Futurists, Hurtin' 4 Certain
Bebo Valdèz, Al Dizzy Gillespie
the Magnetic Fields, In My Secret Place
the Libertines, Up The Bracket
Smashing Pumpkins, Cherub Rock
Built to Spill, Strange
the Beatles, Honey Pie
   you are making me crazy. . . but i'm lazy